May 28, 2011

So, I drink a lot of beer. I won’t say how much, because I’m not here to impress you. Or embarass you. Or intimidate you. All of which would happen were I to quantify such things. Anyway, beer drinking gives you a superpower that you don’t get from drinking other kinds of alcohols: I can find any toilet in the dark. Lock me in a pitch black warehouse, and I will be able to find my way to the toilet in record time. Telepathy? Ecolocation? Radar? I don’t know, but it’s my superpower.

So there I was helping to build the set for a stage production of the Mikado, and I go to use the bathroom. Unfortunately, the light bulb is burnt out, and the spare was, inexplicably, also burnt out. So I lock the door, walk straight to the throne, and sit down. Because I’m a superhero like that.

Anyway, every superpower has its blind spots, and the Kryptonite Achilles Death Star Exhaust Port of my superpower is that while I can home in on a toilet with superb accuracy, I can’t necessarily find toilet paper. I grope around a bit, and find nothing. It’s not in any of the usual places. Finally, I feel a cardboard box, with a little divot sort of thing in it. Like you would keep paper towels in.

“I am quite certain that this box contains toilet paper.” I said out loud, as I reached into the box. At that moment, out poured a black cloud of deadly, merciless hornets.


(mumbled cursing)

May 26, 2011

Everyday, I wake up. I don’t want to be too personal, but the first words out of my mouth are “fuck maryland”. Every single day. I’ve trained myself. I’m not sure how that’s punctuated. There may be a comma or something in there, but it’s roughly the same.

I’ve seen a car accident, on average, once a week. As soon as it rains even a little, and it’s ALWAYS raining at least a little, people turn into daredevils. I saw a guy with a ‘protect life’ bumper sticker run a red light going fifty talking on a phone this morning, wheels locked up. He hit a gardening truck, his car was obliterated.

But what I really want to talk about is my television. My television has become, somehow, stupid as shit. I was watching a cooking show, Chuck’s Day Off, and he puts an earthen bowl full of salt into an oven. There’s a cut, and he says “The bowl was in the oven at 400 for 30 minutes! Now it’s even hotter than the oven!”

No, no it’s not. It’s, at best, the same temperature as the oven. I have no idea what he could have been thinking of. I don’t expect everyone to be a thermodynamicist, but… I mean, shit. As a cook, how do you not understand how temperature works? When has an object ever spontaneously reached a higher temperature than the ambient environment? And first person to send me an email about SHC goes home with fewer teeth.

Speaking of fewer. A laundry detergent commercial keeps telling me “We all want a world with less chemicals.” First of all, it’s fewer, you illiterate schmucks, not less. Fewer chemicals. Second of all, HOW WOULD WE ACHIEVE THIS? Fill a rocket ship with chemicals and fly them into space? A world with less chemicals? Yes. Yes indeed. I also hate all forms of physical matter. You shits.

There’s a bunch more, and I’ve gotten so worked up that I’ve forgotten them. There’s one that tells me to buy a certain breakfast food to make my day awesome, and every time I see it, I shout at the TV. The only thing that makes my day awesome IS ME, television.

Don’t ever go to sleep mad, brotips? Fuuuuuuu