Everyday, I wake up. I don’t want to be too personal, but the first words out of my mouth are “fuck maryland”. Every single day. I’ve trained myself. I’m not sure how that’s punctuated. There may be a comma or something in there, but it’s roughly the same.
I’ve seen a car accident, on average, once a week. As soon as it rains even a little, and it’s ALWAYS raining at least a little, people turn into daredevils. I saw a guy with a ‘protect life’ bumper sticker run a red light going fifty talking on a phone this morning, wheels locked up. He hit a gardening truck, his car was obliterated.
But what I really want to talk about is my television. My television has become, somehow, stupid as shit. I was watching a cooking show, Chuck’s Day Off, and he puts an earthen bowl full of salt into an oven. There’s a cut, and he says “The bowl was in the oven at 400 for 30 minutes! Now it’s even hotter than the oven!”
No, no it’s not. It’s, at best, the same temperature as the oven. I have no idea what he could have been thinking of. I don’t expect everyone to be a thermodynamicist, but… I mean, shit. As a cook, how do you not understand how temperature works? When has an object ever spontaneously reached a higher temperature than the ambient environment? And first person to send me an email about SHC goes home with fewer teeth.
Speaking of fewer. A laundry detergent commercial keeps telling me “We all want a world with less chemicals.” First of all, it’s fewer, you illiterate schmucks, not less. Fewer chemicals. Second of all, HOW WOULD WE ACHIEVE THIS? Fill a rocket ship with chemicals and fly them into space? A world with less chemicals? Yes. Yes indeed. I also hate all forms of physical matter. You shits.
There’s a bunch more, and I’ve gotten so worked up that I’ve forgotten them. There’s one that tells me to buy a certain breakfast food to make my day awesome, and every time I see it, I shout at the TV. The only thing that makes my day awesome IS ME, television.
Don’t ever go to sleep mad, brotips? Fuuuuuuu